EPS Knows

Schnellenberger’s march to the sea continues

2008-11-17T19:00:00.003-05:00

We are now a fine tuned machine of such destructive power (75 yards on 3 plays in twenty seconds for touchdown), we continue to march to the sea leaving a path of waste, burning stadiums and squalor behind us, we have salted the earth of our enemies nothing shall grow in their fields they will bow down before the might of the Owls and know that the road through the Sunbelt comes through Boca Raton. Yes we did struggle early in the year, hoping to come through the gambit of at Texas (QB separates shoulder) loss, UAB (a taste of what was to come) win, at Michigan State in the rain where we had it but slipped through our fingers, obviously loss, and then the we had to deal with a renewed and vengeful Minnesota Golden Gopher team in Minneapolis, loss. So instead of entering our conference slate at 2-2 or better we walked in with a 1-3 record, the sun did not shine for a few bleak weeks, however we have once again found flight.

It began on that fateful Tuesday night at Middle Tennessee State, a game where we let them inside our 40 yard line eight times before giving up any points, however they did score and they trailed 13-7 going into the final minute. We had ample opportunities to show our might and vigor on offense, we dropped passes, we committed penalties, and we did everything a team can do to ensure the opponent stays within a fluke play of tying or winning. We gave up the unholy unallowable Hail Mary pass and reception in the end zone with 0:00 remaining on the clock and with the PAT we left heads down 0-1 within the conference already behind the eight ball before our showdown the following week at home against Troy.

Troy came stampeding into Lockheart Stadium in front of the nation live on ESPN2 and showed that we are a young program perhaps that had gotten a little too big too quick, whereas we felt it was our Stadium and our Sunbelt they showed that they still ruled the roost of the Sunbelt. We took our lashing and left disappointed, asking what had happened to the finely tuned killing machine we had seen just nine months earlier in New Orleans.

We went to Western Kentucky and squeezed by the big red blob 24-20; WKU still is transitioning to the Sunbelt so they cannot win it nor does it affect our conference record. We then went out to UL-Monroe, in another must win game being 0-2 in the 'Belt. Nothing clicked for the first 3 quarters then as if somehow a light went on, Rusty threw, receivers caught, running backs ran and with a comeback with 20 seconds left, Rusty launched a rocket into the end zone for the score! We had pulled out a victory from the jaws of defeat keeping our record in the 'Belt to 1-2.

Then there was Homecoming 2008, where we welcomed the Mean Green of North Texas, shots rang out, we scored a lot and often, final like a homecoming game should be, Owls 46-13; 2-2 in the 'Belt! That made it three in a row, and if the movies have taught us anything, it's that 2 in a row is back to back, but 3 is a winning streak; somewhere in this 3 game winning streak someone stood up in a team meeting and proclaimed, "Well there's only one thing left to do and that's to win the whole FUCKING thing".

And that brings us to Saturday, November 15, the day it CLICKED.

We became that unstoppable machine again; our only weakness is our kicker who cannot make PAT's or FGs in the west end zone (we left 5 points on the field) we were up 40-7 with eight minutes to go in the 4^th quarter, Howard sent in our back-ups. It ended much to close for us in the stands. Howard said he takes responsibility for the close game, he says it will not happen again and I believe him. He told us we would get to a bowl game and win, we are the fastest school to ever make and win a bowl game, and we are on a collision course with the MNC as he says the only variable is time. He has not been wrong yet. He has built program after program, they will write books about this, it will be remembered in song and parents will tell their little children bedtime stories about it.

We are marching towards the sea leaving a path of destruction behind us, all that remains is to defeat the fading Arkansas State Redwolves, then it will all come down to our whipping boys to the south, FIU. You cannot call them rival as it has been said a rivalry implies that both teams win within the series, FIU has one win against us and that was after 26 seniors graduated and this group of men were freshman or not attending FAU.

Woo Hoo Homecoming - Ice Pirates to defend the galaxy from the incoming horde from North Texas

2008-11-08T10:06:00.007-05:00

We defeated the invading Mean Green Horde from North Texas with no regard for life. It's officially a winning streak, that is 3 in a row, here we come!

Below are some pictures from the homecoming tailgate and bash; there were 150 rum & 5 gallons of Schnelly-ade, which lasted 4 hours and 3 hours respectively. I underestimated the need for a thirst quenching drink on a warm fall South Florida afternoon. Next year it all gets doubled!
Truck boxes make great beer tube coolers, Schnelly-ade in the igloo, and the jello-shot holder.

2008 Home Opener --- UAB v FAU --- OWLS WIN

2008-09-12T19:36:00.019-05:00

Welcome back one and all here are some photo's of the game, more as the season goes on. We have big time game at home against Troy on October 7, LIVE ON ESPN 2, yeah baby that will make 4 nationally televised games in a row.

A quick tv listing:

Saturday, September 13 - ESPN2 at noon at Michigan State
Saturday, September 20 - Big 10 Network at Minnesota (Currently our 1 win over a BSC Conference School)
Tuesday, September 30 - ESPN2 at Middle Tennesse State
Tuesday, October 7 - ESPN2 home against Troy

And onto the festivities!

Ah, the sweet, sweet nectar of the summer afternoon tailgates. It's Schnelly-ade! It takes four days to brew the nectar of the gods named after the man himself.

Wahoo baggo! Such a great tailgating game.

Flying the colors to alert everyone to our location.

Blake dropping 3 of the final 4 bags on the board to win it 21-20. We shall have our revenge in this life or the next (when we play Troy).

Mr. Sternberg was kind enough to handle the grilling duties while I attended to the baggo.

Refilling the cup oh about 8 or 9 times, you just cannot drink the nectar sitting down once you do well you can't get up. It sneaks around the chicken coup and pounces on you like that sly little fox it is.

Yeah, well at least they have all their limbs, and please remember every pyramid has to have a base...

Yeah baby, it's the dance team. Dance Fever, catch it!

And the home opener begins, the Owls scored on 7 of 9 offensive possessions. Do you want to know what else is offensive? The pass rush --- zing!

So on this play, Rusty drops back tosses to Rose the HB running towards the top of the picture tosses to the WR for what is a WR option. With our other WR streaking towards the endzone the ball is lofted so gently into the air for a 33 yard touchdown!

Yep that is Coach Schnelly, he does more coaching during the week now but he still conferes with his coordinators during the game.

Oh how the student section has filled up over the years, it's great and the band has gotten bigger too. We have 5 tubas or something, I'm not a band person I know they make noise and together they are supposed to sound good, like sweet music to our ears playing that great fight song we have.

The offense huddling up on the sideline after being stopped. Everyone has to regroup every once in a while.

Here comes that 72 yard run with 42 seconds left.

I'm sure the speech went just like this, "Time to put them away boys enough of this fucking around, I have a pipe to go smoke and that tobacco tastes better with a victory"

And game over

SCOREBOARD BITCHES

I keep telling you I have a thing for blondes.

Thanks for coming, you all drive home safe. Another notch in the victory suspenders.

And now the Owls are 42-43 overall, WAHOO .500 HERE WE COME!

FAU's First Bowl Game Part Two

2008-04-18T16:49:00.006-05:00

FAU's First Bowl Game Part One

2008-04-18T15:54:00.008-05:00

Here are photos from our FIRST BOWL GAME & FIRST BOWL WIN all in New Orleans, oh boy wow the French Quarter that was some fun and here we go.

It all started many years ago in September 2001 when we attended the first ever FAU game against Slippery Rock; started the always memorable chant "SUCK MY COCK SLIPPERY ROCK" yeah we lost. Then there was the first win against Bethune-Cookman then the wins started slowly building. We went to the D1 AA semifinals and lost against Colgate then we moved to Division 1 footbaw. Yes, that's where the big boys play.

We moved into the Sunbelt Conference where we began our trek and after 7 total years of footbaw we made Troy our bitch and it was OFF TO NEW ORLEANS BABY! THE BIG EASY HERE WE COME where we grabbed Memphis by their tiger tails!

FASTEST TEAM TO MAKE IT TO A BOWL GAME FASTEST TEAM TO WIN A BOWL GAME -- TAKE THAT BITCHES

It was all about football, booze & gambling. Whose got blackjack? I got blackjack

And without further ado the photo's

Our flight lands in the big easy...Bourbon Street - BAR, STRIP CLUB, BAR, STRIP CLUB - rinse & repeat!

Outside Harrah's with Krafty.

On the way to Cafe Duemond Jackson squre

Belle's adventures starting at 6:00 PM last night....

2007-07-12T09:21:00.000-05:00

I went to go get her a new bed for her crate because she has had an upset stomach for a few days, she couldn't hold it in any longer and shat the bed sometime during the day while I was at work. There was no use in saving her bed, I wasn't putting that in my new washing machine, I tossed it in the garbage so I put her back in her crate with a bowl of water and one of her animals when I left for 30 minutes to go to Publix and grab some dinner...

Little Ms. Belle knocked her crate over on its side and broke out the back of it, again. I opened the garage door to find her head poking out and then she walked outside... I bet you think that's all she did....

HAHHAAHAHAHAHA sadly mistaken.

Then after I was done painting I went outside to wash a roller and left her inside, I opened the blinds in the living room so she could look out and watch... she opened the front door a few times, and each time I smacked her and said NO, BAD BELLE! Then after the 3rd or 4th time she locked me out of the house!!!

Hello there...

2007-06-06T07:42:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a while but I had a great time last night and wanted to share it with the blog-o-sphere. You see I was supposed to go to an FAU Alumni networking event last night in Fort Lauderdale, but you see Mother Nature had a different idea we were unable to see the front end of the car due to the rain and the traffic was horrible. My friend "J" and I instead headed to the East Boca Ale House for some dinner and where ever else the wind would take us. We dined on King Crab clusters and some iffy Prime Rib. We then headed towards the Well for good times, drinks and darts; however there is a Dart league on Tuesday nights so that ended our throwing session after one game (J remains undefeated in singles matches against me, fucker). Which all elapsed prior to 7:30 pm, which takes us to the dessert portion of the evening.

So we headed north and braved the blinding rain, it was coming from all different directions, sometimes it even looked like it was coming from below us. We arrived at Mirage, it is on the former plot of land where Peek-A-Boo's used to be (Lake Worth), it's now a two level establishment. Well this place looked nice from the outside, greeted by the hostess' nipple popping up from her red corset (theme of the evening). The club was nice if you like black strippers, I personally prefer white & latina strippers, not too mention there were 3 total and all the white women were behind the bar instead of on it. So after the Braves game was over at 10ish, we left and I said to Platinum Show Girls we go, actually I think it was more like this "I need me some 18 year old tities in my face, let's go to Platinum"

Off we went to Platinum Show Girls in Boynton Beach, it's a nice little establishment, probably about 20-30 girls, so nice and delightful; average age of about 21, oh so nice! So we were shown to our table by the wonderful delightful waitress named MariAnne originally of Wisconsin. She kept the drinks flowing, ah the Captain such a wonderful drink but as the night progressed, we drank more, she drank with us, she got drunk and then we started getting touchy feely and friendly which brings me to this..

she was in corset so they (boobies) were amplified but her ass, oh do die for. felt so nice in my hands and SO SMOOTH. like a baby's bottom!

She is supposed to call me to go grab a drink before she comes with us for a birthday party we are attending the weekend of the 15th in South Beach.

Oh did I mention, she was hot and it turns out she has two daughters, no not 2 & 4, but 8 & 10, yes, I belive she said she was going to be 28 soon. So she was popping them out at 18, EPS does not cast judgement, I do not know the reason behind it, nor do I care. EPS just knows he wants to get that little black corset on the floor of EPS Manor!

2007-05-20T21:44:00.001-05:00

Yes, yes it has been a while I know, been busy getting the house all nice. But here are some videos of Belle doing her puppy thing. Also check out her album on myspace to see.

Please say hello to Belle

2007-04-19T21:02:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a while. No internet at EPS Manor, that and I have been working so hard to make it ready to move in; that day is April 28 - that's when the furniture moves!

I have been without a dog for the past three years, and did not want to get one while I lived in an apartment, well as you all know I purchased a home and right out my back door is the large retention area and ten blocks away from the Lake Ida Dog Park. So one Sunday night I decided I was going to adopt a puppy. I had a black and white English Pointer for a few years, but we broke up and she took the dog. So I have been wanting to get another Pointer, very smart dogs, great personality and playful.

This leads me to Monday April 9, 2007. That day I went online to Palm Beach Animal Control and I found this beautiful little girl...

This was taken tonight, I just picked her up from the vet, she wasn't spayed yet because she had kennel cough, except she sneezed twice in the week I had her, I guess she didn't have it too bad.

I'll have much more this weekend. Pictures of EPS Manor, it looks like a house now!

Erin Andrews

2007-03-23T10:24:00.000-05:00

Well, my bracket is shot to shit, oh well. Fucking tOSU and Kansas just lose already.

And without further ado Erin Andrews, she was at the Capital One Bowl, I saw her on the big screen then I went on the look out. Yeah, I found her!!! She can move too, haulin that ass all around the side lines -- great reporter too!

Enjoy

St. Patty's Day ShitShow

2007-03-18T08:21:00.000-05:00

Well it was going to be another regular ho-hum Saturday afternoon, down in Boca for a drink by the pool but Adam called, he needed help moving items out of his old apartment and into his storage unit. I have a truck, so I get the call. Blake said he would help so it wouldn't take forever - thanks Blake! So after we moved Adam's stuff to storage in Delray, I showed Blake my new place EPS Manor! I hope you're sitting down because this is where the story goes from ho-hum to HOLY FUCKING SHIT, YOU FOR REAL?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?

So Blake and I drive from EPS Manor to McDonalds (half block away) on Federal & Linton in Delray, we pulled into the parking lot and saw a horse drawn carriage trotting down Federal Highway (southbound). We parked facing Federal Highway and saw this dude laying down and saw a chick opposite him bending over and wondered why? All of the sudden her head comes up and BOOM turns out she was blowing him. Oh not to mention the other couple in the carriage, they were how do I put this - slapin skins, bumpin uglies, fucking!

This has now been put on my list of things to do with a lady!

Now onto the pictures from St. Patrick's Day -- they are in chronological order.

Marley wanted to come out with us!

Who wants the lime green mustache ride.

Who wants a group picture? We do! We do!

I swear, I did not die the beard orange; it's 100% natural.

Who wants to sex the leprechaun?

Seriously, like I was going to not take a picture of that ass in that skirt. It was discussed by the crew that was there if the ass made the skirt or the skirt made the ass. Determined that the skirt made the ass. I bet you want to know how I managed to take that picture with her 5 feet away, well my friends it takes practice. You see that green shirt and arm on the left -- that is Adam's girlfriend and he is on the left of her. Yeah I offered to take a picture of them, and slide the camera to the right for the ass! There, it's now like the magic trick has been revealed.

I would have loved to kiss them because they were Irish for the day... EPS loves the blonde's, proven fact you can look it up.

They saw me, and wanted a picture, who am I to turn down the ladies, especially the one who nibbles. Since I have two hands and there were two nice asses for me to rest my hands on... why we are at it, yes, yes, self, yes, probably!

Yep, rock stars and my witness to the Delray porno event mentioned above!

Yeah, below appears to be my drunken drive home picture face. It's kinda like my go to move.

Dancin Fool

2007-03-15T07:05:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah, I can cut the rug like no other, chick to the left, yeah that's the art dealer intellectual woman (I'm working on an ~~epic~~ piece about the wedding ); I hate them just for the fact that unlike strippers who are gone the next morning (from your mind, you sick fuck) intellectual one's stay there, they set up shop, they camp out.

I haven't had to deal with that in three years thank you very much and I'm not in the mood for that shenanigans.

ONE SHINNING MOMENT

2007-03-15T06:44:00.000-05:00

1ST ANNUAL EPSKNOWS
BRACKET CHALLENGE

So it is that glorious time of year again where the fine folks at Deadspin provide there team by team break down. So comprehensive it's not funny, written by people who know their teams inside and out. I learned all about Bucky, his real name and why they are called Badgers.

So here is my official for the money bracket.

My Final Four for those of you who don't want to click the above link. Florida over Southern Illinois in one semi-final and Georgetown over Texas A&M in the other.

FLORIDA OVER GEORGETOWN IN THE FINALS.

I'll have more later, just wanted to stop in for a little punch and pie. I'm off to go wait for the games to start in about 5-6 hours.

Welcome to my new home, now wipe your dirty ass feet!

2007-03-03T12:22:00.000-05:00

FRONT DOOR ENTRY

KITCHEN (FROM LIVING ROOM)

LIVING ROOM (FROM KITCHEN)

OUT THE BACK

MY LAUNDRY ROOM WITH FULL SIZE WASHER & DRYER

So I am walking with the sale's woman taking pictures when outside is this smokin hot brunette in tight workout pants and green sports bra; walking her dog. The sale's woman noticed my attention was diverted and mentioned that the brunette lives across from me out my front door. She said "they" so I don't know if it's brunette & dog or brunette and dude...

But we shall see in less then a month. I am soliciting color ideas for my walls. A light blue, some reds, perhaps a light metal looking finish to compliment the appliances, I do know that I need to paint the stairway to heaven a lighter color because very little natural light will be shinning in daily. Also might get a puppy or two cute little kittens, cats are great because you can leave them alone for a day or two and they can go to the bathroom inside their litter box and eat on their own, whereas dogs are great but have to be walked.

Comparing the era's

2007-03-02T10:31:00.001-05:00

This line is an instant classic, and I wish I could take credit for it:

I might be alone here, but, as a purist, I think fake boobs have roided-up today's breast-ogling game. Babe Ruth didn't get drunk staring at plastic tits. Ted Williams didn't hit .406 by playing with fake funbags. And natural breasts were good enough for Hank Aaron, so they're good enough for me.

or fake ones...

One of the coolest things ever...

2007-02-28T14:25:00.000-05:00

This was on Deadspin and it is quite possibly one of the coolest things that I have ever seen. Hell, I would drink beer if it was delivered to me this way, and I don't drink beer.

Robotic Beer Launching Refrigerator - More bloopers are a click away

Motor boatin son-of-a-bitch

2007-02-21T15:53:00.000-05:00

Just a quick little update:

Won $250 on 3 seperate parlay's almost two weeks ago (one 3 team, one 4 team, one 7 team money line)
Finishing up term 3 for school (ends in week & half)
Getting ready for the wedding that I will be a part of this weekend -- I'll have stories and pictures afterwards! Booze and babes, yeah good combination.
WAKA Kickball started last friday, we had practice and a referee's clinic. They ask you to drink then we go to bar in Deerfield after the game is over -- YEAH IT'S FUCKIN SWEET! Sadly I will be missing the first game due to item #3 this Friday night; it's the rehersal & dinner that night.
Working on buying a house - not so exciting but just wanted to let you know.

Granted the movie loses steam with about an hour to go when John falls for the hottie, but it's still a great movie.

Seriously are those built for speed or pleasure? You motor boatin son-of-a-bitch!

Oh and for those of you scoring at home, I am batting .333 at weddings. Granted I am 0-2 when I don't have a girlfriend with me at a wedding and I go alone. So yeah, screw you I am 1-3 including an ex-girlfriend when hooking up at a wedding.

The Midnight Conversation

2007-02-12T19:25:00.000-05:00

You see this Saturday friends and I were supposed to go down to Beach Place, grab some food and hit Howl at the Moon - nothing like a great piano bar. But that did not materialize so I went back to Best Buy in order to purchase the home theater system that my TV has been lacking. Peter called and said let's go to the bar, we went to the Well where we hoisted back a few and played some darts. I won, hit about 4 20's in a row. I smoked him. So I got home around 11:30 in order to finish assembling the home theater system. See everything else is just the set up, here comes the story…

So it’s after midnight and my phone beeps, I look to see who has texted me and I see #%$## and the message says “what are you up to?” Yeah, we all know what that message means after midnight to the opposite sex… Hey, I have been drinking and I want to fuck.

A little back story on this chick; we went out ONE time, let me repeat that ONE DINNER almost a year ago, kept in contact and one day last spring, she asks what I’m up to, I tell her I am doing homework, she offers to come over and tutor me – and says “I have to warn you, I have really sensitive nipples” Yeah, I found out how sensitive. So she would come over every once in a while last year and then I would send her on her way.

So we proceeded to text back and forth, etc bullshit stuff, so I’m like are you coming over, and I got “Oh, I just got home” by this time its now close to 12:30 and #%$## lives about another 30 minutes away. So I said back, don’t tease like that, what are you doing tomorrow? Tomorrow was Sunday, I really didn’t have shit to do, seriously I didn’t want to do any of my homework if I had the ability for some fuckie fuckie. So she came over Sunday afternoon for a throw, I threw down. And when it was time for her to leave, I said, I would walk you out, but I’m not putting on any pants; I was in a shirt and boxers all day doing homework.

I get a text a few hours after she leaves saying “do you miss me yet?” So I left the text alone for a few hours, said I was in another room and wrote back something about finishing up my work. And then I got to work this morning and saw that I had an email from her already. Oh yeah, now I remember why I try not to talk to her too much after she comes over. Yeah that noise you just heard, that was her IM’ing me.

Oh yeah, and she isn't really my style. I prefer the 5-5ish 110-120 ones. I have this corollary or something; really if I am walking with a chick out somewhere and I see one of my buddies do I A) turn off onto a side street or wherever to not be seen with the chick or B) walk over to them and introduce. I prefer B.

Yeah, sometimes there are one’s that just like to be treated that way, and seriously the second time I am in a room with this chick, we get it on after she says she can come over and tutor me, like I am going to treat her well. That’s just dumb besides, I would only date a chick who was / is a stripper because that’s the kind of behavior I expect – this chick is not a stripper.

And boom goes my windshield

2007-02-10T07:34:00.000-05:00

So I am driving along on 95 south a little after 9 pm on my way to the Wishing Well for a drink and a few games of darts. I am approaching Woolbright at cruising speed of about 75 mph and I hear this BOOM -- I thought gun shot, but I really have no idea what a gun shot sounds like and then I see this thing fly over my windshield back and to the left, back and to the left off my truck and onto lanes farther left of me. I was in the middle lane.

Whatever it was it skipped right on my hood and collided with my windshield just below the drivers side windshield wiper leaving a crater and spidering my windshield from top to bottom, left to right and back again. Oh, and I could hear it continuing to splinter.

That line in the front, that is the direct hit, followed by the ricochet into the windshield.

Inside view - notice the pieces of glass...

Yeah, so I figured I would just call it a night and head back home.

Oh well

2007-02-10T07:30:00.000-05:00

FIRST ANNUAL EPS KNOW
SUPER BOWL XXXI
RECAP SPECIAL

Damn you Petyon, you beat the Pat's then you won the Super Bowl in the rain. A dome team with a choker for a qb should = loss. But no, the Sex Cannon throwgasamed all over the field. If only the Bears could have gotten that go ahead score, perhaps we could have seen something different.

So much for the Pat's winning and me collecting some change so I could get that home theater system for my new tv. Oh? I didn't mention that I got a new tv.

Got back from the Citrus Bowl watching Bucky win and I found that my tv was dying.

I now have my 42" Samsung DLP HDTV -- it's freakin sweet.

Conference Game Round

2007-01-20T09:18:00.000-05:00

First Annual EPS Knows
CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP
Preview Special

Well, once again I was 3-1. Yep, I expected Peyton to fold like a deck of cards against the Ravens defense, but alas the Ravens are nevermore. And did you see the calm, cool and collected way Brady dropped that pass in for the 30+ yards?! That was sweet, it is what we have come to expect over the years.

I have the the big bet ($400) with Baba on the outcome of the AFC Title game.

He feels that Petyon is a much better quarterback then Tom. But when you are a Dolphins fan and your All-time Quarterback is Hall of Famer Dan Marino who reached one Super Bowl over his carreer; you have to go with the guy who puts up numbers. I feel that Super Bowl wins and being clutch and winning Super Bowls helps to validate a career. You know, like Joe Montana.

Besides, who wants to watch two weeks of Super Bowl coverage of Peyton finally getting over the hump, but it would be hilarious if he shit the bed in the Super Bowl. HOWEVA, I will not take the Colts in the AFC Title game. We will see the Petyon Face a few times.

PATS WIN

I'll take the Bears too. Seriously, if the Saints and the Colts were to win. That would make for some horrendous TV. Oh, look the Saints have fixed New Orleans, and their former quarterback Archie Manning, father of Peyton. Yeah, imagine all of that, now think to yourself. CAN YOU HANDLE THAT?

We would all need a code red

BEARS vs PATS PART II

Divisional Round

2007-01-13T08:23:00.000-05:00

Well, last weekend I was 3-1. Way to go Herm, nice play calling, the Colts have 8 in the box and you refuse to run play action just continue to pound LJ!

First Annual EPS Knows
Divisional Weekend
Preview Special

Colts vs. Ravens
This game is payback for that cold night in 1984 when the Mayflower trucks pulled out of Baltimore and took the Colts with them.
Ravens win

Eagles vs. Saints
The Eagles have been hot of late, but it's the Saints playing and they are playing at home. It's the first home playoff game since Hurricane Katrina. Yeah, FOX won't let you forget that New Orleans was under water and that George Bush hates Black people. White America, get ready to feel ashamed you didn't donate enough, oh and slavery is still your fault.
Saints win

Seahawks vs. Bears
Seahawks got out of Seattle because the ball is slippery when wet and Romo couldn't make the first down or score on the attempt. It's supposed to snow. Shaun Alexander is still suffering from the Madden & ESPN Mobile curse. Bears have the Rex-Cannon on their side and he doesn't have a New Years Party to plan for so beware.
Bears win

Patriots vs. Chargers
It's Tom Brady/ Bill Bellichek and their three rings vs Marty Schottenheimer and his playoff collapses over the years. Yeah, I'm taking three rings over collapses
Patriots win

PAYPAL SURRENDERS

2007-01-13T08:20:00.000-05:00

And due to Deadspin Nation Paypal shook in their booties, pissed down their collective legs and surrendered.

I will let Will share the best news about the Adam Knox Fund.

PAYPAL HATES DEMOCRACY

2007-01-10T17:24:00.000-05:00

You see a few months ago the fine folks at Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber came up with a way for people to donate to the Adam Knox fund. Just a way for people to donate a few dollars if they could so that care packages could be sent to our troops who are fighting in this never ending war. I'll leave my feelings about the war and the politics out, this isn't about that now, it's about the way a large company is handling the good deeds of people.

[Stephen A. Smith voice] HOWEVA,the fine people at paypal had another idea when the account was set up. They for a reason unknown to all made it a charitable account And now the funds are frozen for 180 days. Thusly delaying the cheese doodle goodness which we are to bring to our soldiers. Every piece of americana helps.

I can not do it justice. I will let Will Leitch, editor of Deadspin explain the issue regarding the Adam Knox Fund, don't forget to read the comments. They are the cherry on top.

Bloggers of the world unite.

Lookie, it's Wild Card Weekend

2007-01-04T17:59:00.000-05:00

Well, it is about to be NFL Wild Card Weekend and since we weren't around last year, this makes it the...

First Annual EPS Knows

Wild Card Weekend

Preview Special

Saturday 4:30 (NBC) Kansas City v Indianapolis

First on our plate, we have the Kansas City Chiefs led by Larry Johnson, the man who rushed for the second most yards and second most scores traveling to the offensively talented, yet chokable Indianapolis Colts. Oh and the Colts D is one of the worst in the history of the league against the run. Let’s see if Herm can be smart about this and just hand the ball off to LJ. It’s called clock management Herm, you should try it this week, believe me it’ll work out. The less time Peyton has the ball, the more time you will see this face

and who doesn't want to see this face? I certainly do,I have TV money on the game.

Prediction: Chiefs 31 Colts 24

Saturday 8:00 (NBC) Dallas v Seattle

Gosh, I wonder if they will focus on the division between TO and the Tuna. We have the receiver with the most touchdown catches, but he also has the most dropped balls. Yep that sounds like a little bit of a pickle; did I mention he has 25 million reasons to live? And the team that will be overshadowed and barely mentioned by NBC the defending NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks. Look, I am skipping over them too; they have Shaun Alexander who suffered from the Madden curse earlier in the year and I really don’t know much about them. Call it east coast bias.

Prediction: Dallas 21 (TO drops 1 TD and 2 other balls) Seattle 33

Sunday 1:00 (CBS) NY J-E-T-S v New England Patriots

Well it’s the teacher vs. the pupil in the rubber match of the three game series between these two teams. At least Bill called Eric by his name this week at his press conference. This will be a close one just because the teams and coaches know each other so well. Tendencies and what not.

Predication: Jets 18 Pats 21

Sunday 4:30 (FOX) NY Giants v Philadelphia Iggles

Both Manning’s are out by 8 PM. Eli gets, well he just gets. Flustered. And when the receivers don’t get into the game early, they tune everything out and don’t forget all the penalties they will incur for stupid things. Garcia is now back in an offensive system that is fit for him, instead of the crap they were running while he was in Cleveland and Detroit. They are like Pittsburgh last year, getting hot at the right time that is until they run into the New Orleans Saints, but we will save that for next week

Predication Giants: 13 Iggles 35

My ears are bleeding

2007-01-03T20:19:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I HATE the FOX Sports crews they have had for all of the BCS Bowl games. They make me wish for Brent Musberger. Do you realize how atrocious you have to be for people to wish for Brent Musberger?

FOX BCS announcers are on par with Bryant Gumble of the NFL Network. They make my ears bleed and not like a little cut, I'm talking massive hemorrhaging.

Barry Alverez, in the words of Mike is a great AD, Barry, go back and AD at Wisconsin, get off of my TV screen, you ruined the Fiesta Bowl.

And what genius gave the green light to reuniting Jimmy Johnson and Barry Switzer? I mean come on, do you not realize what happened between these two men? Barry came in and took away one of Jimmy's Super Bowl Rings. Do you not remember the video of the Playmaker himself throwing a garbage can at reporters after Jimmy left Big D and Switzer took over?!?

Now I have to put up with Terry Bradshaw for four hours. And WTF was up with that dissertation Jeanine Zelasko gave while talking to Charlie the Hut? Could her words not stop flowing because of his massive gravitational pull? Or perhaps it is not the force of the Hut, she can't shut up when speaking to Les Miles either.And talk about let down, she hosts FOX Baseball, and for the BCS they put her on the sideline, I guess someone got a little to big for her britches.

Were we not shown the aftermath of Katrina during the Monday Night game? I guess not different network = more look at how New Orleans has bounced back. Oh and look there are black people in the stands.

Way to go Terry, talking over the stadium PA for captain introductions, this game is going to be freakin' sweet ------------ and we have a special appearance by President David Palmer, he gets to flip the coin.

Multi Million Dollar Homes for Sale

2007-01-03T17:19:00.000-05:00

I'll get to my weekend later, so many pictures to choose from and the words to go with them, yeah, it could, check that, it's going to be a long one.

But onto the two multi-million dollar houses that just went onto the market due to two prominent South Florida Head Coaches ducking out the back door in one case or surgery in the other. Out the back door we have Nick Saban and off to the surgery table, we have Pat Riley.

I am trying to figure out what to write, but I just don't care that Saban fled during the night a la the Colts in 1984. If someone offered me 40 million to go to podunk Alabama, I mean Tuscaloosa, I would. Seriously, you can trip over talent, but beware of the fact that the plane he flew out of South Florida today had a picture of Bear Bryant on the , but hey it's not like it looks like this.

They are having a fun time over at Kissing Suzy Kolber, I'll let you enjoy their prose. And of course, we have to show the Deadspin recap.

But these people at the Sun Sentinel are none too thrilled.

Somehow saying "My wife just doesn't like living in South Florida" is not going to cut it. I know it does not snow on Christmas and it gets hot as hell in the summer time, but think about it: South Beach vs. Tuscaloosa (Big fake boobies vs. no teeth meth fiends). Gosh, if he does not build a winner somehow I think he is going to use this crutch again.

You see, I am not a huge fan of the NFL, I don't really have an NFL team that my Fall/Winter Sundays revolve around; I'm a college football kinda guy. I grew up in Sarasota a short drive to Tampa where for many years was home to the Yuck-aneers, they had double digit losing seasons for all the years I lived on the west coast until my senior year in high school. So I never got all caught up like people say from Wisconsin or down here in south Florida.

Yeah, this was at the bar we frequented while up in Orlando, it's called the Club House. Turns out it is a Packer bar. We went to watch the Sunday night game prior to heading out to the Party at Wall Street. Long story short, they travel well.

Now onto the NBA portion of our update. Pat Riley, Head Coach of your Miami Heat has informed the team's management (himself) that he is taking a leave of absence for medical reasons. He has issues with his knee and hip, so he is going to go under the knife. I just wonder if the Heat were not four games under 500 would this be happening. I know that Shaq takes a month or two off a year and but come on. Well at least this isn't like a few years ago when Riley jumped ship and let Stan the Man Van Gundy take over and lead the team to the Eastern Conference Finals. Speaking Stan, has anyone seen him? Perhaps he could come back and take over the reigns.

A quickie

2007-01-02T15:10:00.000-05:00

Just a quick little update, kinda like that ride down in the elevator I, errr, um you and some chick had in the elevator, or broom closet...

Well, BUCKEY WON and that means I am a few hundred dollars closer to my spankin new HDTV!

I have no voice because of the captain/coke & So Co/Sprite I have been drinking since Sunday morning. The game was unreal, it had everything I LOVE about college football - atmosphere was GREAT. I wish FAU will be somewhere close to that one day. I am going to try and start some things at FAU games that I am going to blatantly steal from Wisconsin. At least I'm being upfront about it.

Oh, I wanted a viking helmet, found one and wore before the game, during the game and now it sits in my truck. After the game ended, while still inside the stadium, Steve and I found some guys who were sucking from a working beer tap of pure Wisconsin beer. Just an instant StevieG classic.

Pictures and videos to follow later this week, I am off to sell my tickets to the Orange Bowl - Wake and Louisville!

That's going to leave a mark...

2006-12-30T21:52:00.001-05:00


See title.

Yep, that was video of the late Iraqi President himself spending his last 2:36 alive on earth.

Of course, as with most great video finds, it was first posted on Deadspin so I can not collect the finders fee.

Ok, talk to you all later, I have to go find a viking helmet for the game, I'm feeling like a viking helmet I haven't worn one drinking in quite a few years. Perhaps I'll paint it red to show my support for Wisconsin.

And Texas won against Iowa but did not cover -- that still doesn't mean I'm giving a pass to UCLA.

Awwww shit

2006-12-29T21:13:00.000-05:00

Well it all started when I laid down my nice little five team parlay with a 6 point teaser (Hawaii, UCLA, Texas, Rutgers and Nebraska). That made Hawaii 0, UCLA +2, Texas -4, Rutgers - 1 and Nebraska +8.5. See, I don't play the ponies for the fun, oh hell it's definitely not for the fun, I play because I got my eyes on a prize a new 50 - 60 inch HDTV.

Mine will be without the oriental golfer, oh wait not when Tiger Woods is playing.

Because I need to get one now when I don't have to answer to anyone regarding where the money is going but myself. I want one for my home when I purchase it and if I can get one now, that just makes it all easier.

Well, you see we were fine with Hawaii, smoked Arizona State, because they were happy just to be out in Hawaii for Christmas. Talk about the beat down Rutgers put on K-State. Ah Texas, well they are playing Iowa who couldn't find their way out of a paper bag. Nebraska should be able to stay within a touchdown of Auburn. Which leads us to the fifth annual Emerald Bowl featuring the UCLA Bruins and the Florida State Seminoles.

You see a few weeks back UCLA managed to do something unfathomable, they held SC in check and won out in the rivalry game costing SC a shot at another national championship - and me more money (fuckers, it became a trend). But the issue does not lie entirely with UCLA, no the issue is with Florida State. Bobby and I are cool, he sent me a letter about four years ago, we are frat brothers. Bobby, I have never done you wrong, but seriously?!?!? 2006 FSU was and is not 1990s early 2000s FSU.

A blocked punt for a TD, an 60+ yard INT returned for a TD. UCLA was up by 7 at the half, tight game, back and forth and then I left Mike/Kroll/Dennis' house on the way home, that shit escalated quickly. I walked in my house and saw the WR for FSU BLATANTLY push off and knock down the DB, yet no call was made, oh did I mention he went in for the touchdown and FSU never looked back.

FINAL SCORE: FSU 44, UCLA 27 -- me out $400.

Gigity Gigity

2006-12-29T13:56:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that there is a contest over at the best damn sports show. Something about voting, who cares, just go look! Ogle, it's what they are there fore; seriously don't complain to me that women are not sex objects if this is what they do.

Oh, you probably want that link too Hooters Best Damn Dream Girl! 40 somthing pictures, you can vote if you want too.

And the comment of the day at Deadspin is from Cowboycane who said: "She makes Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas look feminine. A more feminine tranny, sure, but still more feminine. That being said, I'd hit it. You wouldn't want to see what I wouldn't fuck."

Happy Friday

2006-12-29T12:40:00.000-05:00

I will be back later with a few horrible gambling stories. This weekend entails three B's:

1. Beer/Captain
2. Babes
3. Buckey Football -- we are off to the Citrus Bowl

Just in case you are a world traveler and want to know the age of consent this comes from our friends over at Deadspin.

And you didn't think I would only post that as the cheerleader picture of the week did you? Enjoy!

Congragts to the guys over at Kissing Suzy Kolber for winning the Sports Blog of the Year award

FRUSTRATION! UGH! MOTHER F'ERS!

2006-12-17T21:51:00.000-05:00

I mean come on, I am not one to, but I mean, what the????? Seriously you know who would be great together.

I mean, tell me these two are not perfect for each other. WE PLAY TO WIN THE GAME. Come on how hard is it to manage a fucking clock.

Yes, I am very frustrated that Herm has been unable to coach his team to more then a Field Goal in the Sunday night game. HERM so far, you have cost me $65 and that is just because you suck at the half. If you are unable to put points on the board, that will move the total closer to costing me $300. Yeah, that money could help with what I dropped on a nice young 18 year old stripper last week.

Herm you are fucking with my drinking and stripper money, uncool. Hopefully Kobe can come through for me like he did earlier in the week. Let's go Lakers; Kobe understands drinking and stripper money.

GO COACH ELI, YOU GUYS ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER.

Well, I could be studying

2006-12-17T15:07:00.000-05:00

Just found this interesting pixilation deep down on the interweb.
They might be able to teach me soccer, and I might listen, well at least watch.

But seriously, if you are going to have someone spray paint your very nice breasteses for the whole universe to see, then why are you wearing little bitie binkini bottoms? Does the spray paint tickle too much when applied? Perhaps it rubs off when you move around? Well, you are a body paint model, stop moving so we can stare.

Happy Chanuka

2006-12-15T19:13:00.000-05:00

Well the festivel of lights is now upon us once again. Quick story about Hanunka/Chanuka the oil was only supposed to last for one night, it lasted eight and now we have Hanuka/Chanuka. Jews at the time were re-dedicating the Temple in Jerusalem, damn Seleucid Empire always ruining shit.

Oh and I probably shouldn't have written down the fact that I was 14-2 from Saturday through Monday night. Gambling gods don't like bragging. Yeah, that was the cold streak that bitched slapped me.

Hot Streak

2006-12-13T22:09:00.000-05:00

Well, I went 14-2 over the weekend (Saturday - Monday night), my only problem was that if I had known I was going to go 14-2 I would have put A LOT more down. Yeah, I got the Bucky guarantee from Lowry --- take Bucky and the over it's in the bag. WOW, pulling it out in the final minute. Some guarantee, but they won, so I can't complain.

Then the streak continued. I put some more down Tuesday night on Minnesota, they were hosting UCF and were favored by 4. Yeah that noise was me winning. Then I put a small piece of cake down on the Lakers and the over who were underdog by 2 at Houston, who is without McGrady.

UM YEAH CA MOTHER FUCKIN CHING!

Do you know what winning does? It gives me more drinking money and more money to blow on strippers! No, not blow for strippers but money for strippers.

Pop (1928 - 2006)

2006-12-08T21:49:00.000-05:00

I got a phone call from Mom today (Friday) a little after 2PM and she left a voicemail, something she doesn't normally do; you know call in the afternoon and leave a voicemail. So when I saw she left a voicemail I knew something was not right.

You see my grandfather had been living in a nursing home for about the past four years. If he fell in the house, Nana would not be able to pick him up, she called 911 a lot. So sometime in 2002 Nana moved him from their condo into a nursing home, one of many. He tended to be a little corse sometimes. Beating a blind quadrapolegic who he said was dealing drugs. Citizens arrest!

You see the day my Mom found out she was to have a son, yours truely, Pop had a massive stroke, that was just 27 years ago. He would pick us up at school or temple and take us to practice, always asking if we wanted a mint. But with a stroke he lost the use of his left side so he would be driving and dig through his shirt pocket while not holding onto the wheel and then offer a mint. Something you had to see to belive. He would always come to swim meets or basketball games. It was interesting coaching my younger brother and having him sitting there on the bottom level of the bench trying to interject things.

I guess I am writing this becuse Nana said only nice things could be said about Pop at his funeral, which meant Pop prior to 1979. So that ruled out my cousin and I speaking because we only knew post stroke Pop. My uncle Rob spoke briefly, yep, it got a little dusty inside the Temple at that time, I'm not going to lie. Well, there were two Pop's, the one prior to 1979 and the one after. We (my brother, myself and my cousins) would always here about how Pop used to be after he would go on a rampage for something or other.

One time he called Opra a fat dumb broad, we laughed, Nana said "Herb don't say that" we all laughed some more.

So I am now in the process of looking for a temple to attend on Friday nights out of respect for him. I have the yortzit candle lit until it runs its course.

I dont know if any of the stuff you read makes sense, but I just needed a venue for it and I happen to have one.

UPDATE: I made it across the state from my house to Mom's in under 3 hours. No cops, on the way back cruising at 85 with 3 other cars. I was stopped by Sarasota County Sheriff. The bitch has no heart or compassion. Oh and I was geographically profiled you see the other cars were not stopped and they were local. I was from out of town.

Hey, cop whore, FYI I'm going to have the last laugh.

Orange Bowl at the Hard Rock

2006-12-06T22:01:00.000-05:00

When I posed with Hammerin Hank Goldberg of ESPN tv and ESPN radio, I asked him about the head coach opening at The U and the Kosar rumor he said that Kosar is a nut job and his wife is trying to have him psychiatrically evaluated. Thanks Hammer that is some fine journalistic work there, how about the ponies this weekend? Oh you say I should take Barbaro? Sounds good to me, what could go wrong. Oh and a bonus, the seat I was sitting in the guy's laptop was open to wikepedia. Yeah great source work there.

That's right Obie, we can hope for a better match up next year, you know so I will want to go to the game. Henry and Obie enjoying a nice embrace, whoops Obie, where is that other hand of yours, Henry is married now! From the looks of it, Henry doesn't seem to mind.

That's right, this is the prize, a nice serving bowl full of fresh fruit served up to the winner. The mighty 73rd Orange Bowl Trophy. Flanked by Louisville and Wake Forest helmets, boy I bet the Orange Bowl Committee never expected this match-up in about 70 years since Duke played in one.

My autographed football and entry ticket. One signed by each coach. Bobby Patrino of Louisville on the tiny foam football and Jim Grobe's signature on the entry ticket. Yours if the price is right when you bid on my Orange Bowl tickets.
Four total, section 126, row 18 (endzone) nice seats too.

In other news the costume is about 80% completed & Santa Con is in less then 40 Hours!!! Drunken Driedel and drunken Santas!!!

Santa Con 06 - Bar Schedule

2006-12-05T07:31:00.000-05:00

I have 66% of costume completed. Which means, I have painted the two boxes blue. I'll have pictures later. Who is ready to get their drink on? I AM!! THAT'S WHO.

Just a quick reminder that Santa Con is almost here, the festivities will be this Saturday December 9th. Here is the bar list, notice a few changes which allow us to keep the entire event in West Palm Beach. (all times are approximate- just follow the red fur and glitter down Clematis until you find us)

Bradleys- 2:30pm-4:00pm (bring a toy)
trolley to City Place
Brewzi Outside Bar 4:15pm-5:30pm
Blue Martini 5:35pm-6:30pm
Trolley to O'Sheas
O'Sheas 6:45pm-8:00pm
Bonds 8:15pm-8:45pm
Old Dax Bar (corner of Dixie and Clematis) 8:45pm-9:15pm
Nobles (old Rooneys Pub on Clematis) 9:15pm-10:15pm
Rock Fire Pizza (corner of Clematis & Flagler) 10:15pm-11:00pm
Bradleys 11:00pm-?

Get your costume, buy a toy and spread the holiday joy.

And Boom!

2006-12-02T20:00:00.000-05:00

Yeah, those noises you heard, well one of them was the BCS computers blowing up and the other was the egg SC just laid in the Rose Bowl in their second consecutive appearance in Pasedena.

Well, let us see what Florida and their Coach Urban Myer and open up the playbook and expand their lead over Arkansas

Oh that and I need a Florida win for the ever popular drinking money!! Oh look at those tricky Razorbacks coming out with a short kick to start the second half -- look a live blog.

UPDATE: Florida wins its 7th SEC Title I won in the immortal words of Randy Moss straight cash homie

Tune into Fox tomorrow night to find out where the chips fell, all we currently know is that the road to Glendale is no longer paved with Trojans.

I will set the early line on tOSU - 10 v. UF, o/u at 46. You heard it hear first folks.

WHERE IS ERIN ANDREWS?!?!?!? I am really upset about that, she is very easy on my eyes

Thanks Deadspin

2006-12-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

I knew MJD and the fine commenter folks over at Deadpsin would be able to answer my question. Much thanks and appreciation.

"Maybe someone out there can help with this question: In the Nissan commercials for the Heisman, I know what all the things chasing the truck correspond to a school, but what is the boulder?"

Turns out it is a "buckeye" whatever the hell that is anyways, and why we are at it, can someone tell me what a Hokie is too?

Thanks for the picture too, if you want you can go to Deadspin -- find this picture it's under Hugh Johnson Project, Update 3

Maybe I did not know that because I DISPISE tOSU, fucking criminals, like Clarrett did not have a car and hatchet prior to his freshman year; we know he had the car and hatchet when he got his goose on, but don't we all?

I would link to the post at Deadspin but I do not have time to figure out how to work the hyperlink in blogger beta, I knew I should not have switched over from the alpha dog. DAMMIT

Back to my exiciting paper on Donald Fehr, all we were told was 10-12 pages, grad school rocks!

Oh and GO SC win by 20 and and over of 42, it's all about the drinking money. We already have a Wake win and just need a UF win to win that parlay!!

Speaking of a Wake Forest win, anyone want to buy some Orange Bowl tickets? I have them in the endzone, section 126 and 131.

Happy Friday

2006-12-01T06:53:00.000-05:00

Enjoy your weekend, live it up, I will be finishing a ten page paper on Donald Fehr, Executive Director of the Major League Baseball Players Association --- needless to say my weekend will be sober until I finish.

I would like everyone to welcome Tiffany to EPS Knows, she has been a Ben-Gal for two years now and is currently studying at Cincinnati State. Her goals are to finish college and make it to the Pro Bowl, let us all keep our fingers crossed!

ROAR!

Santa Con - 05

2006-11-28T23:30:00.000-05:00

Everyone gather around and sit in a circle while I tell you a tale of one of the bestest events of the year. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Santa Con, the bar crawl where everyone dresses up in Christmas and other holiday attire and goes bar to bar to bar to bar to bar to bar to bar to bar... you get the picture.

(leaving the first bar)

Meet this years Santa Con Master of Ceremony's Josh -- Oh and everyone give him a round of applause, he is getting married, way to go!

You see a few years ago Mat (who is traveling through Southeast Asia currently, somthing about Mark Foley and a love for boys) and Josh who is in charge this year came across Santa Con while traveling through the Northeast, Boston I belive. So everyone dresses up like Santa or in the case of yours truely a dreidel and you bar crawl.

(on the way to the trolley heading to the fifth bar)

Santa Con 2006 is Saturday December 9 which is perfect because that is the last day of my winter term class which means the dreidel will be spinning again!!

(fourth bar)

You see there were all sorts of Santa’s, we had Bandito Santa, Vato Santa, Cuban Santa (raft included) and so many more

(fourth bar)

Here is my costume after a solid 12 hours of captain. By the way, the dreidel was not too popular in Lake Worth, but boy oh boy when you bring 30 Santa’s into a restaurant on Palm Beach people freak out, but then they see the soothing sight of a dreidel and the whole place sings the dreidel song.

(Mat & Josh's house the morning after)

Happy Friday

2006-11-24T12:13:00.000-05:00

I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. I will have stories later in the week; let us just say just because it is a self-cleaning oven does not mean you should leave the excess grease when you cycle the oven to self-clean.

Enjoy the clip, good luck with your gambling and drinking. FYI, I broke my cold streak yesterday and won $50. Yep here we go, I can feel it. I'm coming back!!!

59-15, Not too shabby

2006-11-24T11:27:00.000-05:00

I do not know what to write, words are spinning through my head at a whirlwind pace. Larry Coker has been fired at The U. He is no longer the Head Coach of a football program that won 5 national titles in less then 20 years and should have won more. Fucking tOSU in 2002 and the late flag.

What irritates me the most right now is that Paul Dee just said in the press conference that the players have not been notified. Paraphrasing here, after the game last night since it was a holiday the players have gone home. News flash, the majority of the players come from the greater Miami Area. It is not too far. They are going to have a team meeting next week. This is bush league!

To fire a man who has been nothing but class in a classless way is pathetic. Donna Shalala former Secretary of Health & Human Services under President Clinton has taken the easy way out. To fire a man whose first loss came in the 2002 National Title game on a disputed call to tOSU (24-1 record after two years); with a 59-15 overall record after 6 years. According to Paul Dee, the executioner, Athletic Director said that he if Miami is invited to play in a bowl game that Coker would be allowed to coach his team. AWWWWWWWWW how fucking nice of you. Hey nothing like a lame duck, just ask the President of the United States if he can have his balls back when Congress reconvenes in January.

I wish you well Larry, you have been a great coach and with this year helped to guide the team when extraordinary circumstances arose. This is no way to go out, you should have been given the opportunity to reload. I understand that firing the majority of the coaching staff after last years debauckle in the Peach bowl was probably your last chance and you have been dead man walking since the Louisville loss.

P.S., I hope the do not bring in Barry Alverez. Give us someone who knows the area's coaches. We do not need the nation’s number one prep QB, see Kyle Wright. We need an offensive line. The future looks bright for the U and it will be.

Thanks again. God speed and good luck on your job search. We have this nice parting gift of a $3 million buyout for you.

Who wants one?

2006-11-17T14:45:00.000-05:00

The gamble paid off that is really all this was; one big gamble buy low sell high. After one and a half hours waiting at Toys R Us and then having the air let out of us, then seeing people at the Sony store in Boca and feeling defeated IT'S ALL MINE, ALL FUCKING MINE. HOOOOORRRRRRAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

Steve and I found them online last night. In retrospect I should have ordered more then one, like 5 that would have been hella sweet. But I have one and that is really all that matters.

HEY SUPPLY, MEET DEMAND!!

I HAVE A PLAY STATION 3. I PAID $724 INCLUDING SHIPPING. I WILL HAVE IT IN MY GREDDY LITTLE HANDS BY DECEMBER 1. PLENTY OF TIME TO SELL IT FOR CHANUKKA,HANUKA, CHRISTMAS OR SOME OTHER PAGAN HOLIDAY.

Happy Friday

2006-11-17T08:06:00.000-05:00

And the winner is Demand

2006-11-16T13:25:00.000-05:00

Just in case you live under a rock you might not beaware that the famed PlayStation 3 comes out Friday, November 17. Well this is a story of supply and demand. It was decided a few months ago that we should camp out in order to get in line so we could purchase a few in order to make a profit on the resale. Yeah, so I am here at home writing as opposed to sitting in line drinking.

We started doing our recon work Monday, we had an source at the Best Buy in Boca who was going to tell us when people started lining up. Kroll could not take the no hearing anything so he drove over Monday night and saw people were in line, nothing like a phone call at 1 am and hearing there are people in line. So the stores in Boca were out so that left it up to me to find the stores in Boynton. I came through, no lines at the Circuit City or Best Buy Wednesday morning, but no one could get off Wednesday as well.

So I checked the stores at 10 am, and guys who live in their parent's basement were first lined up at Best Buy, but no one was at Circuit City! So I checked after lunch and more people were at Best Buy and there were a handful at Circuit City. And the lines kept growing and growing and tents sprang up...but I found a beacon of light, a four legged sunbeam of triump with no lines.

So myself, Kroll and Lowry met up with our cars filled to the brim with supplies at 5 AM at the aformentioned Toys R Us. No one in the parking lot, no lines! My quick canopy, chairs, ipod, coolers filled with

But the PlayStation gods had something else in mind for us, I recieved some bad information when I went inside the Shining Ray of Light Wednesday night and spoke to the woman in electronics. I was told they would be getting 10 additional ones besides the pre-orders. UGH!!! So we set up shop and started drinking by 5:45AM and were throwing the football around 7ish when we were greated by the Manager. He asked what we were doing, we said waiting to get the PS3 then we were informed that they were not getting any additional ones in.

But there is a New Hope (yeah STAR WARS KICKS ASS!), there is a store not letting you line up prior to midnight tonight. So we will make one last stand.

Oh and a bit of information, the Circuit City's in Sarasota only got about 25 total PS3's. Best Buy is FUCKED, they guaranteed a mininum of 25. Want to know why I know they are fucked? Because the 20 gig base model PS3 was not shipped, there was a "glitch" So of the 400,000 that were to be shipped roughly 300,000 are shipped througout the US.

Ah, the principle of Supply and Demand. I love capitalism!!!

There are now 2238 pre-sale PS3's on EBay for over $3,000.00

Who wants some fried chicken?

2006-11-15T06:59:00.000-05:00

Land of the lost...

2006-11-13T23:17:00.000-05:00

Jordan had some tickets to the Dolphins game against the Chiefs (13-10 Fins) so there are 4 of us at the game, fucking hot. Just replace milk with margarita; I even have the red beard too.

I bet you are wondering why I have the post titled "Land of the lost..." well my friends let me tell you there are two places to park at Dolphins Stadium. Inside the main gate where they have grass and rows or you can park on the other side of the tracks, where there are no palm trees or grassy areas.

Inside the main gate you have scantily clad attractive women and lots of tailgating, this is where you want to be, they have tv's tents, beer & brats. We had a large cooler and a tent, but we were on the otherside of the tracks. People park there and walk inside the main gate to party with the privilaged. And while drinking your attention is drawn to the people around you, I wanted to gouge my eyes out. IT WAS HORRIBLE.

But what truely matters about the game is what Peter and I rented, the COOLEST invention ever especially when you are at a game that is lets say, not so interesting and you have money riding on others. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kangaroo TV!!!

It is a mini tv with Directv, you get the NFL Directv expirience, including the Redzone channel and live up to the minute stats. Words can not describe how cool it is.

Bastards took my drinking money!

2006-11-11T17:51:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to say FUCK YOU to Ohio State, nope, I refuse to put "the" in front of your name. To me you are just Ohio State.

Jim Tressel you are a fucktard. Why do you punt every possession in the second half last week versus Illinois and score no points yet this week, you put up 40 on Northwestern?

Yes, the other teams I had in my parlay did what they were supposed to do, they beat the spread or covered depending on what they were supposed to do, yet OSU decided to close the play book and go 3 and out on all possessions.

Thanks for costing me the 3 bills I should have won. Oh and you owe me a new remote for my cable box, it hit the wall because you are a FUCKTARD.

Oh and Bobby Patrino you thought I was going to not say fuck you to you as well?!?!?! Seriously the mighty Louisville offense was held to 53 total yards in the second half versus Rutgers Thursday night, not too mention ZERO points. Way to go!!! Cost me my Friday night drinking money!!!

And Frank Beamer at your Virginia Tech Hokies, WHAT THE FUCK IS A HOKIE????!?!?! Four trips into the redzone today versus Kent State and 3 field goals, you suck too. All Kent State can do is not get out of the way of National Guard troops during the 1960s. Where is "Beamer ball" ?!?!?! As I type this you have 11 minutes left to score 9 points, think you ladies can do that?

You all suck monkey nuts, what am I supposed to do, now that you fuckers cost me my drinking money?

Baby I can change...

2006-11-10T13:27:00.000-05:00

Oh baby, I can change, I promise I will write more I swear!

Sorry about the lack of posting, I wish I could have this cool ~~excuse~~, story for my lack of loquacious and verbose writing but I really do not. I have just been lazy, not lazy Sunday lazy, just lazy enough not to write to you.

Well, let us recap what has happened since I last wrote…

There was the scuffle at the OB where Ned went out on his crutches.
The Cardinals won the World Series and now thank God we do not have to listen to Tim McCarver for another 6 months.
Ohio State sucked ass against Illinois in the second half --- PUNT EVERY POSSESION – fuckers cost me some cake.
Fantasy Fest came and went and I know how I promised pictures and stories, well I did not make it. Everyone bailed and I was not going to split the suite for 3 nights totaling $800 and then shell out for fun – no I’m not cheap, I am fiscally responsible.
Oh, that last one reminds me, for the first time since 1994, the Democrats are now in control of Congress and Rummy is out. Hmmm I wonder if he would have stayed as Secretary of Defense had the Country not wanted a change. Just something to ponder.

I have just been working during the day, going to the Wishing Well a few nights a week and working on my Masters.

I promise, if you take me back I will post from once to three times a week. Baby I can change, I know I can; you complete me.

Yeah, I know I had you at hello.

And knowing is half the battle

2006-09-12T08:28:00.000-05:00

Well I just heard an interesting statistic - Joe Gibs is now 0-6 when his team plays week 1 on Monday Night Football. Remember knowing is half the battle.

Just an FYI if the Skins play on Monday Night next year for week one.

Week 2 Last Man Standing pick: Colts --- it is ok to go with them when it is not a pressure situation or you see a lot of this...

Pick the Colts in January and you are a

And no one wants to be a clown.

My humor is not womanly humor

2006-09-11T19:53:00.000-05:00

Seriously, I think this next paragraph is witty and funny. I was told today that my humor does not really lend itself to women. It does once they know me, but this was a part of my profile on an online dating site, I might have to retool my humor. Being that they (women) did not understand when the title of my profile was "I am not a marine biologist”; I kept getting emailed by some ladies I am not too attracted to; if you catch my drift.

You have to live and learn but the most important aspects of that those words are that you have to both live and learn from past experiences whether good or bad. If you do not regret anything that you have done over your life, then you might not have left your house. Personally, I regret driving so fast sometimes; I am trying to learn from that by using my cruise control.

Can we stop now?

2006-09-11T08:36:00.000-05:00

Can the sports media stop fellatiate the Manning brothers? I mean come on; there were other games out there, Reggie Bush the 2006 Heisman Trophy winner made his NFL debut (over 100 yards rushing/receiving). Fucking WWL.

Peyton will do his normal thing in January...

then he will celebrate like he does every year

At least Eli poses with a cute blonde.

Oh Brett Farve, do those pain killers make the pain go away? Because the way John Madden and everyone else talks about you is making my ears bleed.

And Fred "Double Donger" Smoot is playing in the first half of the MNF doubleheader.

So that's why it's called gambling...

2006-09-10T19:06:00.000-05:00

Oh, so that is why it is called gambling. It is not like it was much money, I only lost what equates to 3 drinks. I could have won a decent amount.

I had...

Penn State to cover or win outright - way to show up guys, and now the next two don't matter.
Texas Tech to beat UTEP by 8+ - they won in OT by 3
Chargers +4 over the Raiders on Monday night - TBD

And then the pick them which could net me $250+...

Dolphins
Falcons
Bucs (who always kill me)
Pats
Bengals
Rams
Saints
Jets
Eagles
Seahawks
Bears
Cowboys
Cards
Giants
Skins
Chargers

3 out is still in the running for payday.

Have you heard the Sunday night game is Peyton and Eli, who will Kenny Chesney be rooting for? And, Pink is just not made for the Sunday Night Football intro.

Time to go watch the Simpsons season premier.

These Hurricanes appear to be like a Tropical Storm

2006-09-05T14:14:00.000-05:00

Two in a row to FSU, poor "U". What was anticipated to be a strong hurricane last night turned out to be as strong as a Tropical Storm Ernesto that pranced through South Florida last week. Unreal stat of the game, 3 yards combined rushing for the teams.

Nothing else I can really put down about it. The U has now lost 2 straight to them ingins.

For those of you who missed me

2006-09-05T08:24:00.000-05:00

EPS has heard the cries, "Where have you gone", "Why did you not post this long Labor Day weekend?"

Well my friends, I have heard the cries and I am here to answer you. I was out living it up so I could Know... about things and without further delay, I present to you my reasons for no weekend posts.

'N
... On a 52' Sea Ray

Which led to...

And then a flex off broke out...

The Day After the Glorified Rain Storm

2006-09-02T16:51:00.000-05:00

"Yeah, I'm going to need you to come in..."

Do you want to talk about a buzz killer? Try getting a text message from your company saying be at work by 11 AM after a night of heavy drinking and not going to sleep until close to 3 AM because you are in a Tropical Storm warning and sleeping on your friend's couch. Yep. That kills a buzz and just irritates the FUCK out of you. Mind you last year I left the same house around 11 PM after the rain from Katrina stopped, I was asked where are you going? "I am going to have to go into work tomorrow, I fucking know it"

I should have known better when we were able to drive around and go to a few different bars the night of the storm that I was going to have to go into work. At least I did not have to be in until 11AM. I was also lucky enough to be driving back to my house and be behind the President of the company at 9AM on the interstate. Sometimes he is just endears himself to everyone. I think one person in one company we deal with was at work. No other companies that we deal with were open. We sat in the office for 6 hours because he wanted to prove a point. I do not know what point he wanted to prove other then that he can make you miserable if he decides. Oh and the field personnel did not have to come into work. Gosh, construction workers not working when there is a tropical storm churning over your head. It's fucking rocket science sometimes.

My Deadspin Debut

2006-09-02T16:12:00.000-05:00

My Deadspin debut --- I am half way down. I think it's pretty cool. And since it is my blog that is really all that matters.

So we are out at the Wishing Well last night because it's better when someone asks you the next day if you did something the night before and you said you went out to drink instead of saying, nope we just stayed in drank while watching movies. So we are there and I look around and to my surprise I see someone dressed in his own

Just glad to see a fellow deadspin reader out at the Well, I gave a nod and raised my drink in his direction, we did not discuss anything, I just went over shook his hand later in the night and told him it was good to see another YWML shirt out and about.

Oh, Florida Atlantic Football. The 14 point swing could very well be the final nail in the coffin and yet we are only at half time. FAU earlier in the second quarter was slowly moving the football, and then we decided to get fancy, I am talking hook n ladder fancy. You guessed, we fumbled the ball. But the swing came with 3 minutes left in the half with FAU marching down field and inside the Clemson 20, the DB jumped the route and picked off the pass and ran it back to score, however there was a penalty on the return. They later scored. Sons of bitches.

And I get to say "we" because I swam for FAU and graduated from there too, so it is "we".

No hablo espanol

2006-09-01T07:13:00.000-05:00

Well, the only language being spoken today in my office is spanish. You see I am the only native english speaker in today, this is what my office looks like today . The VP is on vacation and the President is no where to be seen. So we are having for breakfast and for lunch.

See it's not white people pretending to be spanish like on Cinco de Mayo.

Yeah, I'm going to need you to come in...

2006-08-30T11:32:00.000-05:00

The headline pretty much sums up my day. I will have more when I leave work; there are legal issues that I want to work around when I write.

Enjoy the day off, if you have it.

Wind, Rain & Heartburn

2006-08-30T06:06:00.000-05:00

This is the big bad Ernesto, for those out there who do not know where Boca Raton is, I am sitting in between West Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale on the east coast... The portion of the state with just a little feeder band --- actually that band is directly over me right now.

So here is the 5AM map from NOAA. Hey, Ernesto finally made landfall.

It has just been some wind, and heavy rain at times, the heart burn is from the pepperoni pizza I had at 1:30 this morning; not from the horrible storm but the USA vs Germany game is not helping.

But as I sit here at roughly 7AM I have on ESPN 2 and am watching the US National Basketball Team play Germany. With 5:20 left in the second quarter, the Big Dirk was 1-6 from the floor then drained a long 2, but Heinrich drained a long 3 to counter. I really wish ESPN would just be honest with us about where the commentators are; it's pretty obvious that they are not in Japan. Seriously, every NBA telecast that I have ever seen has the play by play guys doing their opening from center court. Not the FIBA games, we have not seen the two announcers. ESPN must feel that we are all morons, I wish there was another sports channel sometimes. Just be honest with me and it'll be ok. I am not asking for a divorce like the Sports Frog did (still working out the kinks of hyperlinking), I just feel we could use some time apart, it might work out for us better in the long run.

This is a rough game for Team USA, Wade and Carmelo are a combined 2 for 16ish with under two minutes in the first half. Those filthy Germans now have a two point lead. One of the commentators just mentioned that their statistics don't match up with FIBA, gosh maybe if you weren't half a world away you would have matching statistics. Come on ESPN, you used to be better then this.

11 PM Advisory

2006-08-29T23:11:00.000-05:00

So this is where I have set up camp, the good ole 33431 area code in rainy Boca Raton. Got about 2/3 of the handle of Captain for tomorrow. Went out to the bars instead of drinkin for free.

Thanks NOAA for the day off...

This fucker has not even made land fall yet. So tonight we ventured out into the drizzle and went to the bars... The and then to . Came back to Mike/Andrew/Bryen's house. There isn't shit on tv currently we are watching "Without a Paddle" and we are having a very hard time suspending our misbelief with some of the parts of the movie. But at least the storm should be here tomorrow.

I'm not really into typing; I have been drinking since 5ish. More updates tomorrow.

5-8 o'clock PM ADVISORY --- screw off, I've been drinking

2006-08-29T19:03:00.000-05:00

The crib in Boca...

Say hi Marley...

Weather.com

NOAA

Ok, we are off to the Well, because the storm is not here and won't be here for a while. Thanks weather man.

2 PM ADVISORY -- T MINUS 6 HOURSish

2006-08-29T13:52:00.000-05:00

Here is the 2 PM map from NOAA...

Well the hour is almost upon us, the storm is cycling and spinning through the Florida Straits churning in the warm ocean water gradually gaining strength to unleash is awesome power upon our insignificant south Florida population. I am a God fearing man; I do not go against Mother Nature. My boss however, could give two shits about the storm; he lives in a self sustained compound with enough propane to level half of Boca Raton and generators that can cool his 10,000 square foot castle for weeks. So we work, and work, he feels "the storm is not going to hit us", these are the words he spoke of these past two hurricane seasons. Our office was closed for just under two weeks each year due to hurricanes, "not hitting us". Last year, he went to Orlando, while the plebeians stayed and fought tooth and nail on FEMA lines and in gas station lines when someone would enter the wrong way and try to cut the 1/2 mile long line. Ah, it is good to own the multi-million dollar company.

I will be heading to Boca Raton with my cooler in tow about 6ish, they tell us Ernesto is going to make landfall between 8 and 10 pm, except they do not know where. Tropical Storms & Hurricanes tend to be like the cable company, they will be here between the hours of "x" and "y", and then they call you and reschedule.

11 AM ADVISORY

2006-08-29T11:16:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the update NOAA

At this rate, Ernesto is going to over shoot south east Florida and go back to hitting Tampa again (I think that map is a few posts back). Seriously, if I cannot drink my handle of tonight, I'm going to be an angry office worker tomorrow because I will be at my desk working. Fucking Mother Nature.

8 AM ADVISORY

2006-08-29T07:44:00.000-05:00

Nothing like watching the map change from hitting filthy, disgusting city of Midwest sin New Orleans. Please notice the sarcasm. I am the guy who will be at the football game drinking at 8AM or will make the 24-36+ hour run when I go to Vegas of debauchery.

Do not even get me started on how strip clubs objectify women, seriously who goes there. I only go to support the single mom's or to help that nice girl Candi pay for her Law School. Have you seen the prices of law school lately? She needs all the help she can get.
So getting back to the map, it is now supposed to hit south of Miami and go up the state wash away Belle Glade, where her soil is her wealth or whatever the sign says. In theory, Ernesto is to exit now by St. Augustine, again. The exit point has changed a bit in the past few days.

As I said before throwing darts at a board gets better results.

5 AM Advisory

2006-08-29T06:44:00.000-05:00

I was asleep at 5 AM so fuck off. You wake up at 5 AM for a freakin update. Thanks NOAA for the pretty colors

Well it's official -- 8 PM Advisory

2006-08-28T20:14:00.000-05:00

So it's now official, I/we are now in a tropical storm warning. This means that we should be feeling the effects of the storm (39-74 MPH sustained winds) within the next 24 hours. I will be working tomorrow for at least a portion of the day I imagine. You see the Owner/President of the company I work for does not believe that the storm is going to hit us. Everyone else on our block has put up their storm shutters. We worked a full day when Hurricane Katrina, funny story I met a stripper named Katrina at Matt's bachelor party, I think she was Brazilian they all look the same, Brazilians, not strippers...

Nothing like driving to Boca to drink & play poker in a hurricane.

Hurricane Item Checklist:

Drink of choice -- for me its going to be Captain & coke (check)
Propane for bbq (check)
Frozen food to cook since power will be 50-50 (check)
Tupper-wear filled with water to freeze (check)
Ipod charged and new songs (check)
Jump drive backed up (check)
Laptop ready to go for blogging, other fun (check)

I'll pack a bag tomorrow

Be back later with more fancy NOAA pictures, maybe even some predications, I don't know what I will be predicting.

Also there is a lot of this all over the Boynton/Delray Beach area. And the stations are running out of the fuel. This is going to be fun!!

11 AM Hurricane Watch - 8/28/06

2006-08-28T10:02:00.000-05:00

With this bit of information that the brilliant minds at the National Weather Service have said that Ernesto won’t hit until tomorrow night, which means no half day tomorrow and a full day off Wednesday. Which really means none of this delightful spirit . Who just wants to drink a few, I certainly DO NOT. When you have little responsibility, you are supposed to go out and get hammered during the Hurricane at Hurricane Parties.

I made the mistake last year of going to this chick's house (she will end up with her own post at a later date) at the time we were seeing each other. See there are two things that were learned that week I was stuck down in Cooper City...

If she live's with her parents, do not go, let me be crystal clear DO NOT GO!!!
There MUST be liquor, a sober hurricane is a boring hurricane. Because you are going to need something to do when the power goes out and if she lives at home, you won't be getting it on.
The final one, well everyone knows this already, women are crazy; so this really does not count.

Walk around when the eye passes over and then run inside and finish your hand of poker. You do not see married couples with children hosting them. Nope they are strictly forbidden by parental law; 20-30 something’s get to have hurricane parties, I think it is a man law.

This is a conversation Henry and I had earlier this morning regarding a hurricane party. Notice the differences in the words used... like "jack & shit" and "go to Mike/Andrew/Bryen's house"

HENRY [10:03 A.M.]: so who's having the hurricane party?
EPS [10:03 A.M.]: like you can go
EPS [10:03 A.M.]: you got a wife and kids to protect
HENRY [10:03 A.M.]: LOL
EPS [10:04 A.M.]: ill probably go to Mike/Andrew/Bryen's house
EPS [10:04 A.M.]: drink, play poker, blog the hurricane
HENRY [10:05 A.M.]: nice
EPS [10:06 A.M.]: how about you?
HENRY [10:07 A.M.]: i'm not doing jack shit
HENRY [10:07 A.M.]: it's just rain to me
EPS [10:07 A.M.]: what can you do
EPS [10:07 A.M.]: you dont drink
EPS [10:07 A.M.]: you have a wife and kids to protect

Here is your new map, thanks NOAA

5 AM Hurricane Watch - 8/28/06

2006-08-28T06:30:00.000-05:00

So from what I hear, the brilliant weathermen on all of the local West Palm Stations kept saying Friday and Saturday that there was no way this storm was going to come here and lay down the pipe. Well isn't it funny what 36 hours makes?!??! As always, you have a better chance of predicting the weather by throwing darts at a board with different conditions.

Below is the 5AM forecast & track for August 28, 2006. And for purely my fun I am going to attempt to live blog or just plain old blog the hurricane and its aftermath, fancy pictures too!!

Thanks for the map NOAA

Ok, I have to go institute the Company Hurricane Prep Plan.

Hurricane Warning

2006-08-27T21:56:00.000-05:00

Just doing my part to help out the people. Remember they have no idea where it is going to go, well except last year when they said Katrina is going to hit New Orleans. If you are in the path, leave. Take your shit, load your cars and get the fuck out of dodge.

Maps & images courtesy NOAA.

Mom, if you are reading, I would suggest packing and going somewhere else besides Sarasota. I do not have any idea where that safer location would be because everywhere is covered inside the cone.

And on a lighter note, I just want a few days off of work with no power to get drunk again and play some poker.

Whatever happened to the hottie stewardess'? Part II

2006-08-27T20:17:00.001-05:00

So yeah, about that whole having to update because of my return trip. Well, what do you know we are here again, I wrote and you read.

A quick refresher for our old friends and a our new ones... I ventured up to visit the Brock's in Richmond a few days ago and I wrote about how Hollywood has lied to us about the faces of the stewardesses’ on the plane.

Well I flew back down to West Palm --- on the first leg of the adventure, we were blessed with a MAN, and a married man was the steward. Are you fucking kidding me?!!!! Seriously, how do you decide that you want to be a steward, I mean come on, why not aim a little higher for Navigator? How do you tell a woman what you do and not have her laugh at you and walk away? Let alone have her marry you. And the fucker did not even serve drinks; they said no beverage serious, WTF, I fucking paid for my 6oz of soda and my tiny ass bag of pretzels. If you are going to be paid to be "Martha Stewart" fucking do it, don’t half ass your job.

So yes, it can get worse. We had two more grandmas and some dude from Charlotte to WPB. At least I got my pretzels and 6oz soda.

Urban White Water Rafting

2006-08-27T12:33:00.000-05:00

Do you have your tickets? Yeah, the tickets to the GUN SHOW!

Before I went to visit Matt/Jamie up in Richmond it was decided by me that we would go river rafting on the James River --- the only river with class 5 rapids within city limits. Well usually there are class 4 and 5 rapids unless of course you go rafting when the river is low.

See picture:

So before we left on the bus to go up river, I was walking around the dock -- which turns out to be across the James River from where the ships brought in the slaves. And the actual dock I was standing on was where President Lincoln gave the emancipation proclimation or something.

Yeah, so I was screwing around on the dock wasting time with Matt/Jamie and I found these crab claws, so of course, I picked them up and was playing with them. They ended up in my ears, but at least I wasn't attacked by birds. I took them out and put them in my floatation device, but sadly I had to rid myself of them while we were rafting because I almost cut myself and poked out an eye. That would have been embarassing.

Our guide Zoe, a 4th grade school teacher by trade is on her second summer as a river rafting guide on the James River. After conversing with Matt/Jamie it was agreed upon that all cute read heads look like Alyson Hannigan, you know the red head from the American Pie movies as well as How I met Your Mother, currently airing on CBS Monday Nights. Really, it's not up for discussion.

Oh, I fell out of the raft on the first rapid, the lady paddiling across from me lied, she didn't know what the hell she was doing.

This was taken when you can jump down in between the rapids and ride the underwater flow about 10 yds down river. Pretty cool.

Yep, rugged aren't I?

Aren't they cute newlyweds?

Slashes & spear guns

2006-08-25T23:32:00.000-05:00

Yep, you read that title correctly, I, yours truely was playing with a spear gun in my office one afteroon before lunch. For those of you who have never had the pleasure of viewing one or holding one within the grasps of your hands let me tell you, it feels pretty freakin cool. Knowing that with the touch of a button you can end the life of an animal thats charging at you while you invade its habitat. Or of course, the ability to shoot it in the warehouse and pray that you go not shoot youreself while screwing around in the warhouse.

I had the opportunity for the latter. I walked toward the open warehouse door facing the tree and grassy knoll area. With JC looking on from 40 feet behind me crouched behind a door. I fired what I thought would be a fatal blow into the palm tree. I was immediatly wrong. The spear was teathered to the gun with what I figured was a decent amount... then I fired the gun and as quickly as it was fired I noticed it flying back towards me. I did what any former division I athlete would have done, jumped the fuck out of the way and thanked God that I did not have a spear inside my knee.

Believe me, it looked a whole lot worse in person.

Grading on a curve

2006-08-25T23:30:00.001-05:00

Whatever happened to the hottie stewardess'?

2006-08-25T23:30:00.000-05:00

This post is directed to all of those out there who take to the air to travel over long distances. Hollywood continues to feed the lies to us the hottie stewardesses, just like the hot lesbians in porn. When you find real live carpet munchers, they are not the lipstick lesbians that the TV and movie studios portray them as; you find two biker chicks... hot stewardesses do not exist, if they ever did they have become extinct. I was flying from West Palm to Richmond with a nice little layover in Charlotte (FYI US Air was 40 minutes late arriving at West Palm), leaving me 15 minutes to travel across the airport from concourse B to concourse E in Charlotte instead of 1 hour and 10 minutes.

I love my Nana and my Grandmother very much, but I do not need them serving me my mother fuckin drinks on the mother fuckin plane. We had three stewards; I had to change the word because there was one male steward. Do you know why this happened? ****EDUCATION ALERT***There are male stewards working now because these activist judges feel that being a woman is not a Bona Fide Occupational Quotient or BFOQ; work on an airplane and serve me my freakin drink. It all started when some homo decided he wanted to work at Hooters, but not work in the kitchen and gawk at the servers like the rest of the patrons, no, not this MOFO, he wanted to wear the fucking

Seriously go work at Johnny’s in Fort Lauderdale you fucking homo, the chicken wings aren't great, but we all go their for the atmosphere. Go take your twig and berries somewhere else, you fucking grape smuggler. I don't want you to ruin my experience.

So like I was saying, I am on a plane ride with two grandmas and a dude serving drinks, very uncool. However I still had hope that my connecting flight would be easy on the eyes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ... Fate, you are a bitch, you spit on me. Well, it wasn’t that bad on the twenty-six seat plane we had a stewardess. Yes a woman, who appeared to be in her mid twenties -- the only issue was her lack of feminine clothing. She could have been confused with a pilot if she wore wings. She was a four on the normal 1-10 sober scale. Could have been a 5+ or higher if drinking was involved if she was wearing a skirt, you know like what they wear in the movies or on TV. Well I have two more flights on Sunday, we shall see if I must update.

Dude you got goats you live in the sticks

2006-08-25T23:28:00.000-05:00

Travel Day...

2006-08-24T09:25:00.000-05:00

So I am off to visit the Brock's my newlywed friends at their palatial estate and/or plantation in suburban Richmond, Virginia. Yes the same Richmond that was the capital of the Confederacy during the Civil War but what was the need to have a national capital if they were a loose confederacy of states, not a national union like they succeded from? We can discuss that another time.

My plane ride that is leaving West Palm appears to be a rather large ...

yes that picture is supposed to translate to sausage, as in sausage fest. The numbers are partially skewered due to the Florida Atlantic Soccer team.
Of course, those would be pictures of ooops, wrong file, hold please. These are the breasts I was looking for... .

I have an uncanny ability to get the fugly waitress or the gay guy to be the server. It's not even funny anymore, its pretty fucking sad. So that being said, it's not a surprise to see the MEN'S soccer team sitting here as opposed to the women's.

I am connecting in Charlotte and then coasting into Richmond on a glider I think.

I am the last one

2006-08-06T21:48:00.000-05:00

Well, it is official; I am the last one, the other two musketeers have gone off to whatever it is that the Musketeers did when they retired.
I am now the lone wolf of this tripod out stalking his prey and looking for a new pack to run with. Peter Pan has grown and shall never come back to Neverland -- were there enough metaphors in that paragraph for you?

You ask why I pine poetically? I shall tell you, Matt was married on May 27th, and now Henry was married just two short weeks later (my Mother has a cruel joke she throws out to me, perhaps I will share it one day). They are out of the wild, now they must live vicariously through me... Yet they found women who compliment them in those special ways that people need and that they conversely compliment as well.

Too bad we did not make the bet that they did in the movie “Tomcats”, even though it would only have had $500 total in it. It was expected, nay, foreseen by them that I would end up some how being the first to go. HOWEVA, Matt was #1 on hit list, followed by Henry who no one thought would ever be tamed. I shall look at Henry in a few years as the lion in the zoo. You know the one, he is the one who when you gaze into his eyes he remembers how it felt to catch his food in the wild... to run through the savannah in Africa and to rule the wild. Now he is a caged beast, a shell of himself. Matt lost that wild fire years ago...

On an unrelated note, it is now football season; I am watching the Hall of Fame Game live from Canton, Ohio.

Sincerely, the Lone Wolf

Up next time on EPS Knows… How to be a solid Wingman, unlike our boy Henry or a perhaps a story of some of the off kilter women I have come across in my years.

And coming in the end of August, EPS' adventures to Richmond. And November sweeps will include Fantasy Fest items.

Hello there interweb

2006-07-19T20:25:00.000-05:00

Just a few things... I do not know how often I will post, but I will post on anything. My name is Eric, I work for a construction company in Boynton Beach, FL. I graduated with a degree in History, and am currently back in school for a Masters in HR.

I read Deadspin, Kissing Suzy Kolber, Father Knows Shit (Big Daddy Drew), as well as Karmic Payback (Captain Caveman) too. I do not plagerize, it just might happen that I read something on their site and it could very well spark my interest and thoughtful response or hastily written nonsense.

This is new for me, hopefully I won't be late to the party, I don't want to be the old guy standing at the back at the college party.

Peace and enjoy.